I Wish I Never Sucked Your Dick (An Ode to Bad Decisions)

(Just in time for UK National Poetry month, even though I'm American. lol)

I wish I wasn’t raised on Southern values and charm
because then I’d wouldn’t speak to strangers
and I’d never had met you that night
I wish I wasn’t a full –time Facebook Creeper
because then I wouldn’t have added you as a friend
and you wouldn’t have hit me up on Facebook Chat
and we wouldn’t have exchanged AIM screenames
and we wouldn’t have talked all night
and I wouldn’t have agreed to hang out with you
and we wouldn’t have gone to your house
and we wouldn’t have lain down in your bed
and I wouldn’t have let you kiss me or unbuckle my belt
But what’s most important to understand
Is that I never would have sucked your dick

Now, I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life
Been a drunk whore a time or two or three
Making out with friends exes
Tried to walk out into traffic once
Slept with my ex’s best friend
But for every horrible mistake I’ve made
I know the frame of mind I was in
and I tend to regret the action, not the experience
I do my best to learn from my mistakes
but I don’t know what I am to make of this
when I can’t even understand why I ever sucked your dick

I went through the normal check-list:
Drunk? Nope
Drugs? Never
Roofie? Not even
Emotional Stress? No more than usual
Attraction? Not even slightly.
Personality? Yours sucks.
The best I could come up with
is that being up for over 24-hours led to sleep deprivation
and my state of mind was altered, judgment impaired
But shouldn’t sleepiness make me lazy?
Shouldn’t it make me not want to suck a dick?

I just can’t seem to sort through it
and I sincerely wish it never happened
when it was over, you asked me what was wrong
as I sat on the bed paralyzed from my actions
trying to understand what I’d done and why I’d done it
Did I feel sorry for you?
When you begged, you said it’d been so long since…
Was I just a slut?
No, couldn’t be. Many a more desirable dick I had turned down.
So then, what?
WHY THE HELL DID I SUCK YOUR DICK?

I erased you from my phone
I had to block you on AIM
I need to delete you on Facebook
and unfollow you on twitter
because every time I see your stupid rap name
I could nearly black out from the rage
and I know it’s not your fault but I just keep picturing
your nasty ass dick coming at me like a torpedo
and I just want to gargle with boiling water
because, though its been months, I still can’t wash it away
I guess the lesson I can take away from this is
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to
and I could’ve sworn that was a lesson I knew
but I guess I’m learning it all over again
I accept that this is my shame to live with
and I should be happy there weren’t other consequences
but the fact remains that not a day goes by
that I don’t wish I never sucked your dick