Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Reality Check: BITCH, We Ain't Friends!

Sometimes I wish I had no home-training. I wish that I wasn't raised to, generally, respect people because I swear there are some people that could get way worse than a serious side-eye (like Sophia Loren is giving Jane Mansfield in the picture on the right). I'm talking about those pesky interlopers. The ones who always have something to tell you about you and your life when they really don't know you like that. The ones that are always asking you for advice when you really want to say, "Bitch, we ain't friends. I don't give a damn about how you want to live your life." ...But you don't because the polite person inside, the one your mama raised, won't let you be unnecessarily rude to a person who's *technically* never done anything to you.

These so-called "friends" can be found all over. They see you in the club, your favorite lounge or bar. They may be co-workers, classmates, gym buddies, church members, or neighbors. When they see you out, they always try to turn "small talk" into long-winded, deep conversations. They want to dispense their advice on what you should do to improve your life, how you can do better than your significant other, why you should major in *insert subject*. Hold up! When you asked me for advice did I tell you that I think you should probably kick your unemployed baby daddy out, move back in with your parents (who are offering to help), go back to school, and look out for you and your kid - NOT, his sorry ass. No, I just half-way listened and told you, "I don't know what to tell you, it's your decision." So why is it that when you see me you feel like you have to offer me your unsolicited opinions and advice. I didn't ask you and, besides, you're probably one of the last people on this planet I'd seek advice from.

It is my experience though that their favorite hang out is social networking sites. These Facebook "friends", twitter followers, Myspace "friends", and what have you feel the need to interject on everything you say/do/post. They tag you in notes that have nothing to do with you or that no one who isn't one of their close personal friends would or should care about. They hit you up on Facebook chat to ask if you read said note and, if so, what you think about it. I just don't get it. Yes, I know you but I don't know you so why are you so damn interested in my opinion? Why are you all up on every status I write. Stop commenting on all of my pictures, THAT'S WHY I BLOCKED YOU FROM VIEWING THEM. You're on the limited list now because you didn't know how to be nosy without being obvious about it.

We've all been a little guilty of it, it's true. Especially, passing judgment on those we don't really know well enough to speak on but that's where I like to end it - at judging. I do not seek these people out to give them my two cents on their life. After all, they're not my real friends. They're just people I'm cordial to, people that I happen to know and don't have a problem with. This loose camaraderie does not give me an open forum on their life.

So this is to all you fake friends out there who don't know your role. The next time you're dispensing your ~worldly knowledge~ to someone who appears annoyed or disinterested, just know that they're probably thinking, "BITCH, we ain't friends!"

Now playing: Sam Sparro - Pocket
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, September 17, 2009

One Of My Favorite Past Times

Q: Do you know who that smexy elder gentleman is?
A: The 39th President of the United States of America, James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, Jr.

Do you know what Jimmy Jam and I have in common? WE LIKE TO CALL OUT RACISTS. I'm just kidding, about President Carter that is. He was just giving America a much needed reality check. This "post-racial" society so many like to pretend we live in is just a figment of imagination. You see, unlike President Carter (who was merely pointing out the plausible idea of racism as a motivation behind some of Obama's harshest critics), I see calling our racists as a part-time hobby. Volunteer work. My civic duty. I think I should get a tax break for it.

I don't like racism and I don't like racists. Why would I? I'm black. Furthermore, I'm a woman. I hate prejudice of any kind. So, I take it on myself to highlight the ignorance of others. It's fun and I like to think I'm helping the world. Maybe every person I call a racist isn't a true racist as heart. Maybe no one ever called out their racist tendencies before. Maybe I'm making a difference. Because I don't go after the blatant, self-admitted racists... I don't have a problem with them. They're idiots but they're honest so my thoughts on them, "Carry on..." It's the undercover racists I target. Yes, I'm talking to you. You with the, "Well, I have a black friend and she's very educated. Not ghetto at all." You with the, "If a white person had done what Kanye did, the NAACP would have been all over this." You with the bad D.L. Hughley style white people jokes. You who still calls Asian people "Oriental." ARE THEY FUCKING RUGS? You who has a problem with Spanish speaking people speaking Spanish in public. You who who has not figured out the difference between Arab and Indian. You who can't possibly be racist because you voted for Barack Obama.

Yes, even if you have a "diverse" group of friends, you can still be a racist so be warned, if I hear you saying some ignorant shit out your mouth, I'm going to call you on it. If you follow the first offense up with more ignorance, I'll probably call you a racist. I don't care if we're friends, not friends, I don't even care if you're just commenting on my friend's Facebook status about Kanye West. If you exhibit racist behavior, I will not be silent.

Now, I know some people will argue that everyone is prone to be a little racist every now and then and that may be true but I think I know the difference. The number one sign of the closet racist: The person who brings race into situations where race isn't already an issue.

1. The idiot I went off on today on Facebook because he felt that the NAACP would have been all over Tim McGraw if he did that to Macy Gray and that the NAACP is prone to double standards, just look at Michael Vick and Don Imus? What? Your attempts at hiding your racism are pathetic but nice try homey. What does any of this have to do with Kanye having a drunk, asshole moment?

2. My parent's son, the King of Ignorant Shit. "Ain't Taylor Swift a country singer? She should've got some of her redneck brothers or cousins to beat that nigga. Them good ol' boys would've lynched his ass. [laughs] Aye, Kanye a faggot for real." (Yes, we are black.) My brother is not only a racist on several levels, he's also a homophobe.

Anyway, as long as there is life in me and racists (homophobes/misogynists/prejudice people in general) are out there spewing hate, I will combat them with my words.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'm in RAAAAGEEEE! (An Open Plea to KiD CuDi)

First off, let me say, hello blogworld! Those of you who know me know that I have been absent from blogging for a while now. What has sparked this return? I needed a forum to express how truly distraught I am that KiD CuDi has deleted his Twitter account. If you've never heard of KiD CuDi, I'm not going to explain him to you... All you need to know is his Twitter was full of endless entertainment. So, this is my desperate plea to KiD CuDi in hopes that he will reactivate his Twitter account.

Dear Scott,
Can I call you Scott? Scotty? Scotty Boy? Wiki says your name is Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi, that's a sexy ass name. It's probably one of the sexiest ass names of all time. You're pretty cute too, but anyway, that's not the point. The point of this strudel (blog) is to let you know that I am extra blown that you have decided to take yourself out of the Twitterverse. To steal one of your words, it makes me want to Raaaageeee! (But not in a good way!) I'm not going to lie to you, I started reading your twitter because I heard you whined a lot and I wanted to see what people were talking about. From what I read, I wouldn't call you a whiner so much as a little corny (raaagggeee? really?) and I did judge you for your OBVIOUS love affair/crush/whateveryoutwogrownfolkaredoing with Amanda Bynes but that's because I have left over childhood resentment for how annoying she was on All That. Otherwise, I have to admit, I found your twitter entertaining and even intriguing. I hated "Day 'n' Night" and "Make Her Say" even more but I still decided to listen to your album, in part because of your endearing twitter. Your album is fan-fucking-tastic Mr. Mescudi. I love it in ways that I can't even express right now, as I heard it for the first time today (your release date). I haven't bought your album though... YET. I have a proposition for you. If I buy your album, can you come back to Twitter? Please? I know... I know... Who the fuck am I? Someone who could buy your fucking CD, that's who! Maybe I'd even buy two... One for me and the homie Les. Just come back to Twitter Scotty Boy! We need you! Not me specifically, but a lot of your fans were truly inspired by some of your tweets. They even made a petition. Do it for your country Scott. This is deeper than rap.

All ridiculousness aside, his album is amazing and everyone should go get it. I might even go cop it even if he doesn't come back to twitter. His album is called MAN on the MOON: the END of DAY and it's out... TODAY!

(Also, it looks like this.)